How to Win Friends and Influence People (Carnegie)
Short summary
America, 1930s. A comprehensive course in human relations emerges from fifteen years of research into the lives of successful leaders and thousands of adult students testing social principles in real-world situations.
The fundamental principle is to avoid criticism, condemnation, and complaints, as even notorious criminals like Al Capone view themselves as misunderstood benefactors. Instead, one must provide honest appreciation, which satisfies the deep human hunger for importance. Abraham Lincoln learned this lesson early when a harsh letter nearly led to a deadly duel, teaching him to judge not.
To influence others, one must arouse an eager want by seeing things from their perspective. Andrew Carnegie secured his nephews' letters home by mentioning enclosed money but omitting the cash, creating an immediate incentive to reply.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
A sincere smile, remembering names, and being a good listener are essential tools. Theodore Roosevelt won hearts by researching guests' interests beforehand, while James Farley became Postmaster General by remembering fifty thousand people's first names. To win arguments, one must avoid them entirely, admit mistakes quickly, and begin conversations in a friendly way.
Effective leadership requires beginning with praise before criticism, letting others save face, and making faults seem easy to correct. Charles Schwab earned a million-dollar salary not for technical knowledge but for his ability to develop people through sincere appreciation and encouragement, proving that kindness achieves what force cannot.
Detailed summary by parts and chapters
Part 1. Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Chapter 1. If You Want to Gather Honey, Dont Kick Over the Beehive
In May 1931, New York City witnessed a massive manhunt that concluded with the capture of notorious criminal Two Gun Crowley. Despite his violent history of cold-blooded murder, Crowley left a note claiming he possessed a kind heart that would harm no one. Even facing the electric chair, he refused to acknowledge his crimes, viewing his execution as punishment for self-defense rather than murder.
Al Capone and Dutch Schultz shared this psychological blindness, regarding themselves as misunderstood public benefactors rather than sinister gang leaders. These examples suggested that if even the most desperate criminals did not blame themselves, the average person was even less likely to accept criticism.
Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance...
Chapter 2. The Big Secret of Dealing with People
Effective human interaction rested on the singular principle of making others want to perform a task. While force could compel temporary obedience, the only sustainable way to influence behavior was to provide individuals with what they truly desired, specifically addressing the psychological hunger for significance.
The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want. ... Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.
Charles Schwab was one of the first American businessmen to earn a million-dollar salary, not for his technical knowledge of steel, but for his mastery of human relations. He believed that the best way to develop talent was through sincere appreciation and encouragement. Schwab practiced a philosophy of being hearty in his approbation and lavish in his praise.
Chapter 3. He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World with Him. He Who Cannot Walks a Lonely Way
Effective communication and influence depended entirely on the ability to see things from another person's perspective. Successful interaction began by shifting focus from personal desires to the desires of others. Just as a fisherman used worms to catch fish rather than his own favorite foods, humans had to use incentives that appealed specifically to the target of their persuasion.
Andrew Carnegie demonstrated this by getting his college-aged nephews to write home through a clever psychological trick. By mentioning he had enclosed money but omitting the actual cash, he created an immediate incentive for them to reply. His success stemmed from understanding their perspective rather than lecturing them on their duties.
Part 2. Ways to Make People Like You
Chapter 1. Do This and Youll Be Welcome Anywhere
A dog was the only animal that survived by providing nothing but pure affection, requiring no ulterior motives or labor. This innate ability to show love made them the world's greatest winner of friends. One could make more friends in two months by being interested in others than in two years of trying to get others interested in them.
Theodore Roosevelt's immense popularity stemmed from his habit of remembering small details about his staff. He once called his valet's wife to point out a bird she had never seen and greeted even the lowliest White House servants by name. These small gestures of recognition and kindness created deep loyalty and affection among those who worked for him.
Chapter 2. A Simple Way to Make a Good First Impression
A wealthy woman at a New York dinner party attempted to impress others with expensive furs and jewels, yet failed because her facial expression remained sour and selfish. This illustrated that the expression on one's face was far more significant than the clothes on one's back. Actions often communicated more effectively than words, and a sincere smile signaled to others that they were liked and appreciated.
Chapter 3. If You Dont Do This, You Are Headed for Trouble
James Farley faced tragedy at the age of ten when his father was killed by a horse, leaving the family with little money. Forced into manual labor at a brickyard, James lacked a formal education but possessed a natural talent for connecting with people. He eventually entered politics, where he cultivated a remarkable memory for names, a skill that propelled him to become the chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Farley's success was largely attributed to his ability to recall the first names of fifty thousand people.
Chapter 4. An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist
A bridge party served as the setting where a woman sought information about world travels. Instead of sharing personal stories, a listener encouraged her to describe her recent trip to Africa. She spoke for forty-five minutes, finding great satisfaction in having an attentive audience for her experiences. Successful communication often relied on rapt attention rather than eloquent speech.
Chapter 5. How to Interest People
Theodore Roosevelt mastered the art of social engagement by researching the specific interests of his guests before they arrived. Whether he was meeting with a cowboy or a high-ranking diplomat, he stayed up late reading about their favorite topics to ensure he could speak their language.
Chapter 6. How to Make People Like You Instantly
A man waiting in a New York post office observed a clerk who appeared drained by the monotony of his repetitive duties. Seeking to create a positive interaction without any ulterior motive, the man decided to offer a sincere compliment. He noticed the clerk had a remarkable head of hair and expressed his admiration. The clerk was visibly transformed by the remark, becoming beaming and engaging in a pleasant conversation.
There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble... The law is this: Always make the other person feel important.
Part 3. How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
Chapter 1. You Cant Win an Argument
A dinner party honoring the aviator Sir Ross Smith served as the catalyst for a vital lesson on social interaction. During the event, a guest incorrectly attributed a quote to the Bible. Despite knowing the quote was from Shakespeare, the narrator's attempt to correct the man resulted only in defensiveness and social friction. An expert on Shakespeare sided with the incorrect guest to maintain the peace, later explaining that winning an argument at the cost of a person's goodwill was a hollow victory.
Chapter 2. A Sure Way of Making Enemies—and How to Avoid It
A fundamental principle of human interaction involved the realization that direct confrontation regarding someone's mistakes was counterproductive. Telling someone they were wrong served as a direct blow to their intelligence, judgment, and self-respect, causing them to strike back rather than change their minds.
Benjamin Franklin transformed himself from an argumentative youth into a suave diplomat by following a friend's advice to stop using dogmatic language. By replacing certainly with I conceive or it appears to me, Franklin found that his opinions were received more readily and with less contradiction.
Chapter 3. If Youre Wrong, Admit It
A middle-aged man frequently walked his dog, Rex, in a quiet forest called Forest Park. Because the park was usually empty, the owner often ignored local leash laws, allowing his friendly bulldog to run free. During one such walk, he was confronted by a mounted policeman who reprimanded him for his negligence. A few days later, the man was caught red-handed when the same mounted policeman appeared. Realizing he was in a defenseless position, the man immediately confessed his guilt and admitted he had no excuses. The policeman's reaction shifted dramatically upon hearing the man's self-condemnation, eventually telling the man to just keep the dog out of sight.
Chapter 4. A Drop of Honey
John D. Rockefeller, Jr. faced an extreme test of this principle during the 1915 Colorado coal strike. At a time when he was the most despised man in the state due to bloody conflicts between miners and his company, Rockefeller chose to replace hostility with a friendly outreach. He spent weeks engaging with the strikers and their families before delivering a landmark speech that transformed his enemies into admirers. In his address, Rockefeller treated the miners as friends and partners rather than adversaries.
Chapter 5. The Secret of Socrates
Effective communication began by focusing on areas of mutual agreement rather than emphasizing differences. Securing a Yes response at the very beginning of a conversation was vital for psychological momentum. According to Professor Harry A. Overstreet, a No response was a significant barrier because personal pride forced an individual to remain consistent with their initial rejection.
Chapter 6. The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints
Effective communication and persuasion often required restraint in speaking. Most individuals attempting to win others over tended to talk excessively, which prevented them from understanding the other person's perspective. The core strategy was to let others express themselves fully, as they possessed more intimate knowledge of their own business and challenges.
Chapter 7. How to Get Cooperation
True cooperation stemmed from allowing others to feel that an idea was their own rather than something imposed upon them. People generally had more faith in concepts they discovered independently than those handed to them. It was more effective to make suggestions and let the other person arrive at the conclusion, as no one enjoyed feeling forced into a decision.
Chapter 8. A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You
True interpersonal success began with the realization that even if someone was completely wrong, they did not perceive themselves as such. Rather than offering condemnation, the wise individual strove for understanding. By uncovering the specific reason why another person thought or acted in a certain way, one gained a vital key to their personality and future actions.
Chapter 9. What Everybody Wants
Human interaction often involved friction and disagreement, yet there existed a specific verbal tool capable of neutralizing hostility instantly. By stating that one did not blame the other person for their feelings and would likely feel the same in their position, an individual could validate another's emotions and create a bridge for communication. Most people were deeply hungry for this kind of validation, and providing it won their affection.
Chapter 10. An Appeal That Everybody Likes
Human behavior was often driven by a deep-seated need to maintain a positive self-image. To successfully influence or change others, it was effective to appeal to these higher aspirations and virtues. By framing requests in terms of honor or integrity, a speaker encouraged the listener to act according to their best self rather than their base instincts.
Chapter 11. The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Dont You Do It?
Communication required more than the mere statement of facts; it demanded dramatization and showmanship to capture attention in a world filled with visual stimuli like movies and television. The effectiveness of visual proof extended to the retail world, where merchants used dramatic displays to move inventory.
Chapter 12. When Nothing Else Works, Try This
Charles Schwab encountered a mill manager whose workers were failing to meet their production quotas despite various management attempts. Schwab visited the mill at the end of the day shift and asked the workers how many heats they had completed. When they replied that they had finished six, Schwab took a piece of chalk and drew a large number six on the floor before leaving without another word. This simple act of chalking a number transformed the lagging mill into the most productive facility in the entire plant by tapping into the workers' desire to excel.
Part 4. Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Chapter 1. If You Must Find Fault, This Is the Way to Begin
Abraham Lincoln demonstrated masterly diplomacy in a letter to General Joseph Hooker during a desperate phase of the Civil War. Despite Hooker's previous insubordination toward General Burnside and his public calls for a dictatorship, Lincoln began his letter by acknowledging Hooker's bravery and skill as a soldier. He phrased his grievances as areas where he was not quite satisfied rather than outright failures, effectively softening the blow of his stern warnings.
Chapter 2. How to Criticize—and Not Be Hated for It
Charles Schwab observed employees smoking directly under a No Smoking sign in a steel mill. Instead of reprimanding them or pointing to the restrictive sign, he approached the men and offered them cigars, asking that they smoke them outside. This indirect approach allowed the workers to realize their mistake without feeling attacked, preserving their dignity and fostering a sense of importance.
Chapter 3. Talk About Your Own Mistakes First
Effective leadership involved changing the behavior of others without creating resentment. One powerful method for achieving this was to precede any criticism by acknowledging one's own shortcomings and past failures. This approach created a sense of equality and humility, making the recipient of the feedback much more receptive to suggestions for improvement.
Chapter 4. No One Likes to Take Orders
A fundamental shift in leadership style was explored through the behavior of successful figures who avoided direct commands. Owen D. Young, a prominent businessman, never gave a direct order to his associates during his career. Instead of telling people what to do or not to do, he offered suggestions and invited their input on his own work.
Chapter 5. Let the Other Person Save Face
General Electric faced a difficult situation regarding Charles Steinmetz, a brilliant electrical engineer who was failing in his role as a department head. Instead of demoting or firing him, the company preserved his dignity by creating a new title, Consulting Engineer, for the work he was already doing, while quietly appointing someone else to lead the department.
Chapter 6. How to Spur People on to Success
A circus trainer named Pete Barlow demonstrated a fundamental psychological principle by rewarding his dogs with meat and praise at the slightest sign of improvement. This common-sense approach to animal training was rarely applied to human relationships, yet the shift from criticism to praise was essential for inspiring growth in others.
Chapter 7. Give a Dog a Good Name
A specific strategy for leadership and personal transformation involved assigning a person a reputation for a virtue they may currently lack or be failing to demonstrate. When an employee's performance declined, direct berating or firing often failed to address the underlying issue and instead bred resentment. By contrast, highlighting a person's past excellence and expressing confidence in their ability to maintain those high standards created a psychological incentive for them to improve.
Chapter 8. Make the Fault Seem Easy to Correct
A bachelor in his forties began taking dancing lessons at the request of his fiancée. His first teacher was brutally honest, informing him that his style was completely wrong and that he must unlearn everything to start over. This negative approach destroyed the man's motivation, leading him to quit after feeling discouraged by the overwhelming difficulty of the task. The man then found a second teacher who employed a different strategy, minimizing his flaws and making the goal of learning new steps seem attainable.
Chapter 9. Making People Glad to Do What You Want
Woodrow Wilson sought to bring peace to Europe in 1915 and decided to send a personal emissary to communicate with the warring nations. His Secretary of State, William Jennings Bryan, desperately wanted the assignment to secure his historical legacy. However, Wilson chose his close advisor, Colonel Edward M. House, who was then tasked with informing Bryan that he would not be going without hurting his feelings. Colonel House handled the situation by suggesting that Bryan was too important to the administration to go on an unofficial mission, successfully making Bryan feel satisfied with the outcome despite his initial disappointment.