If He Had Been with Me (Nowlin)
Short summary
Ferguson, contemporary America. Autumn and Finny were inseparable childhood best friends and next-door neighbors whose mothers were also best friends.
In high school, they drifted apart. Autumn dated Jamie for years while Finny was with Sylvie. Despite their relationships with others, Autumn harbored deep, unacknowledged feelings for Finny. Throughout high school, they maintained a polite distance, though their lives remained intertwined through their families.
After graduation, Jamie broke up with Autumn, revealing he had feelings for her best friend Sasha. Devastated, Autumn spent time with Finny, who was planning to break up with Sylvie. They finally confessed their lifelong love for each other and spent an intimate night together. Finny promised to officially end things with Sylvie and return to Autumn.
On a rainy August night, Finny drove to break up with Sylvie. During an argument in the car, he crashed. Sylvie, not wearing a seatbelt, was ejected and injured. Finny, trying to help her, ran toward a downed power line and was electrocuted to death.
She was the instrument of his death, but not the cause. If he had been with me, Finny would still be alive. If he had been with me, everything would have been different.
Autumn fell into deep depression and attempted suicide in Finny's room. She was hospitalized, where she discovered she was pregnant with Finny's child. Despite her grief, she found peace in this revelation, believing things were finally unfolding as they were meant to be.
Detailed summary
Division into chapters is editorial.
Prologue: the night of the accident
On a rainy August night, a car accident occurred that would change everything. The driver was distracted by an argument with his girlfriend, who was not wearing her seatbelt. When the car crashed, she was ejected from the vehicle and suffered injuries, though not life-threatening ones. The driver himself was unharmed. The narrator believed she knew what the argument had been about, and was convinced that if she had been with him that night, the tragedy would never have happened.
Childhood bond and freshman year with Jamie
The story began with two mothers who were best friends and pregnant at the same time. They lived next door to each other in the small town of Ferguson. When their children were born, they hoped the babies would be as close as they were. The boy was named Phineas, though everyone called him Finny, and the girl was named Autumn.
My mother named me Autumn. People say to me “Oh how pretty,” and then the name seems to glide away from them, not grasping all the things that the word should mean to them, shades of red, change, and death.
The two children grew up inseparable, playing together through every season. Finny was popular and athletic, while Autumn was quirky and odd. Despite her oddities, Finny's fierce loyalty made her feel secure. They were always together, navigating childhood with an undeniable bond. However, as they entered high school, their paths began to diverge. On her first day of freshman year, Autumn sported a new rebellious look, reflecting her recent eviction from a popular clique. She had lost her friendship with Finny and found solace in her renewed friendship with another girl.
Initially, Autumn and Sasha ate lunch alone on the Steps to Nowhere at McClure High. Soon, Sasha befriended another girl who brought her boyfriend and his cousin. The narrator and Sasha subtly competed for the cousin's attention, with Autumn ultimately winning his affection and entering into a new relationship.
Sophomore year: distance from Finny, commitment to Jamie
During sophomore year, Autumn's relationship with Jamie deepened. One day, while they were together at her house, Jamie wanted to get physical, but Autumn wasn't ready. He commented on her perfect house. Suddenly, the back door slammed, revealing Finny unexpectedly in her kitchen, looking for eggs. Jamie was surprised by their connection, and Autumn reflected on her past with Finny, sensing a different life path they could have shared.
We move on completely different planes of existence and bringing one into the other’s realm would cause a shifting in reality that would upset the entire structure of the universe.
As the year progressed, Autumn dreaded winter and disliked seeing Finny with his girlfriend. Jamie gave Autumn a promise ring, solidifying their commitment. During Christmas Eve dinner, Autumn was annoyed by Finny's question about her tiara, but they reconciled. She reflected on her father's absence and a past perfect Christmas. Her father's obliviousness to her tiara deeply upset her, which Finny subtly acknowledged.
At a New Year's Eve party, Autumn's friend group celebrated with pizza, movies, and champagne. They encountered another group, including Finny, whom Autumn had a past connection with. Before the Spring Fling dance, one of Autumn's friends told the group she would lose her virginity with her boyfriend. At the dance, Autumn and Jamie shared a tender moment and expressed their love. Later, the friend described the experience as not changing her, but deepening her love for her boyfriend, confirming it was painful.
Junior year accelerated for Autumn, who daydreamed about driving away with Jamie while sifting through college brochures for creative writing programs. She and Jamie discussed future plans, which Autumn visualized as a perfect, contained life. In Honors English, Autumn sat in front of Finny, maintaining an unspoken silence despite their past. She overheared Finny discuss his medical aspirations with a classmate, reflecting on his genuine desire to help people.
One day, Autumn reluctantly attended Finny's soccer game. When Finny fell during the game, her fear for him revealed her profound love, a realization that transcended her literary aspirations.
I love him in a way I cannot define, as if my love were an organ within my body that I could not live without yet could not pick out of an anatomy book. ... It’s the way I love Finny.
The winter brought darkness to Autumn's life. She endured a bleak season, marked by exhaustion, academic struggles, and a failing relationship with Jamie. She felt isolated and believed Finny, now with Sylvie, was better off without her. Her father's absence further strained family life, while her creative pursuits and self-esteem dwindled. Autumn's mother, concerned about her daughter's unexplained sadness and changes in behavior, scheduled an appointment with her own psychiatrist. Autumn resisted, denied depression, and attributed her mood to winter, but was taken to the appointment. During the session, the doctor sensitively explored Autumn's feelings, ultimately diagnosing depression and prescribing medication. Autumn began to feel better, attributing her improvement to either the medication or the arrival of spring.
Fall of senior year: new beginnings and gradual reconnection
On the first day of senior year, Autumn and Jamie observed freshmen, reflecting on their last summer as children. Unexpectedly, Finny was in Autumn's lifetime sports gym class. They became partners, recalling their past awkwardness, and shared a quiet moment acknowledging their senior status. Autumn and Finny played badminton, with Autumn struggling and Finny patiently guiding her. Afterward, Autumn asked Finny about his birthday wish, and they joked. Finny invited Autumn to his birthday party, but she declined, citing complicated reasons, though they acknowledged their shared family birthday dinner tradition.
In early October, Autumn's friend announced she was pregnant, shocking the group. She described her symptoms and her boyfriend's mixed reaction. Autumn invited Finny to her Halloween party, hoping his presence would appease her mother. Her friends initially objected to Finny and his group attending. Finny agreed to come, revealing he mostly attended parties to look after Sylvie, a detail that deeply unsettled Autumn due to Finny and Sylvie's recent crowning as Homecoming King and Queen.
At the crowded party, Autumn stumbled into Finny, spilling his drink. They went to the kitchen for a clean-up and a new drink, where Autumn later had a tense, unresolved exchange with Finny about a past promise, possibly implying a deeper, broken connection. During a pool game, Finny told Autumn about meeting his new stepmother and four-year-old stepsister for Thanksgiving. They shared a close, intimate moment over the pool cue before Finny accidentally ruined the shot, taking the blame himself.
Winter and spring of senior year: growing tension and unspoken truths
On Christmas Eve, Autumn and Finny navigated their mothers' sentimentality before college. They exchanged gifts, watched a classic film, and discussed Finny's upcoming departure. Finny expressed he would miss hanging out, prompting Autumn's conflicted feelings due to her boyfriend Jamie, culminating in unspoken tension and the revelation of her father's absence. The next morning, Autumn called Jamie early to reveal her parents were divorcing. Despite her initial apathy, she felt upset. Jamie agreed to come over to comfort her after she asked if he would ever leave her, to which he promised he wouldn't.
Autumn struggled with her parents' divorce and winter depression, finding comfort only in her friend's pregnancy. Her friends' relationships evolved, with some breaking up before college. Autumn spent more time with her aunt and Finny, while her father remained a distant figure, and spring brought only minor relief to her emotional turmoil. Autumn and Sasha shopped for prom dresses, discussing Finny and Sylvie's Prom King and Queen candidacy, which surprised Autumn.
At prom, Autumn and her friends gathered for photos and headed to the venue. They ate, danced, and witnessed Finny and Sylvie crowned King and Queen. During the last slow dance, Autumn told Jamie she loved him, and he promised never to hurt her, marking it as a cherished moment. During her high school graduation, Autumn felt disconnected, focusing on minor details and questioning the meaning of the event. After receiving her diploma, she navigated a crowded lobby, briefly seeing friends before meeting Jamie. She then found her mother and Finny, who she shared a photo with, reflecting on their shared experience of high school.
Graduation and the end of everything: Jamies betrayal
Shortly after graduation, Jamie broke up with Autumn, revealing he had developed feelings for Sasha and that they had a physical encounter before prom. Autumn was devastated and angry, rejecting his apologies and Sasha's desire to talk, declaring she would never be his friend again before retreating to cry. Autumn, in a deep state of grief after her breakup with Jamie, resisted her mother's attempts to cheer her up. Finny intervened, taking Autumn for ice cream to get her out of the house. They discussed Jamie's betrayal and Autumn's lingering pain, with Finny offering support and a plan to see her again, which left Autumn feeling her emotions more intensely.
Autumn went to breakfast with Finny, who learned their curfews were lifted. During breakfast, Finny received a call from Sylvie, which made Autumn uncomfortable. They discussed the recent breakup with Jamie, and Autumn expressed fear of calling him. Finny offered comfort and suggested she stay with him to avoid contacting Jamie, which she accepted.
Summer: healing and rediscovering Finny
Autumn detailed a week-long routine with Finny, involving shared meals and secretly watching Finny at night as a coping mechanism for thoughts of Jamie. On the sixth day, Finny nervously informed Autumn he was meeting friends. Autumn encouraged him to go, then found solace in writing. Later, Finny called Autumn from his room, and they shared a playful, intimate phone conversation while watching each other through their windows.
Autumn received news of her friend's baby, first from the boyfriend, then from an infuriatingly presumptuous Jamie. Finny drove her to the hospital, where they shared intimate moments with the newborn, much to Jamie's chagrin. Autumn realized her feelings for Finny were far deeper than anything she felt for Jamie. Autumn and Finny were on his bed, Autumn writing on a laptop while Finny played a video game. They discussed Autumn's writing, which she was reluctant to share, fearing Finny would misinterpret it due to their close relationship.
Autumn and Finny watched fireworks by a lake. Autumn secretly observed Finny, feeling unspoken words, and questioned the reality of their past six years. Finny noticed her distraction, but she dismissed it, forcing herself to focus on the fireworks rather than him. Autumn, Finny, and Finny's friend went to a horror movie, where Finny subtly comforted Autumn. Afterward, they got drunk, and the friend warned Autumn not to lead Finny on, revealing Finny's past obsession with her, which surprised Autumn.
Love realized: one perfect night together
After her parents' divorce was finalized, Autumn and Finny had a weekend alone. The narrator was inspired to finish her novel, finding solace in writing. Finny later comforted her, and she eventually agreed to let him read her finished work, signifying a shift in their dynamic. Autumn and Finny, after an evening of silent reading, had a deep conversation in his room, revealing long-held feelings of love and past misunderstandings. Their emotional reconciliation culminated in them becoming intimate and acknowledging their mutual love, with Finny agreeing to break up with his current girlfriend, Sylvie.
Autumn and Finny woke after an intimate night. Finny deflected a call from Sylvie, prompting Autumn's insecurities. They discussed their past feelings, Finny confessing his long-standing love for Autumn, even while with Sylvie. Despite Autumn's fears, Finny reassured her of his commitment, confirming their mutual love and the naturalness of their new relationship. Autumn was with Finny before he left, dreading his departure. They shared a tender farewell, kissing passionately as their mothers arrived. Finny promised to return and sneak into her room, assuring her that things would eventually be as they should be, then drove away as Autumn watched, and it began to rain.
Tragedy: Finnys death and its aftermath
Late at night, Autumn heard footsteps, saw her door open slowly, and called out for Finny. Her mother responded instead, revealing her presence. Autumn vividly imagined the fatal car crash that killed Finny, believing he would be alive if he had been with her. She described his imagined actions after the crash, including seeing Sylvie injured and running to her, unknowingly towards a downed power line, which ultimately caused his sudden death.
Having decided against college, Autumn spent days in her room, dealing with worsened depression. Reflecting on Finny and their shared past, she decided to end her life, leaving a note and choosing a knife. She then entered Finny's house, hung a do not enter sign on his bedroom door, and locked herself inside. Autumn awakened in a hospital with clear memories of why she was there. She was uncooperative with the nurse, determined to leave, and thought of Finny. A question about her last menstrual cycle brought a sudden, unsettling silence from her, suggesting she might be pregnant. Autumn grappled with the idea of a new pregnancy, convinced that trying was better than not, even if it wouldn't truly bring Finny back, remembering his tenderness with a baby.