Memoirs of a Lunatic (Tolstoy)
Short summary
The narrator underwent a medical examination where doctors concluded he was not mad, though he had tried to hide his condition. He recalled how his madness began in childhood - first at age five when contemplating universal love, then being horrified by witnessing a boy's beating, and again when learning about Christ's crucifixion.
For twenty years he lived normally, marrying and serving as Justice of the Peace. At thirty-five, while traveling to inspect an estate, he experienced overwhelming existential terror in Arzamas, feeling death's presence. This horror intensified during a Moscow hotel stay. He grew increasingly religious and detached from worldly affairs. Once while hunting, he became lost and faced death, leading him to pray sincerely. His final revelation came in church:
At that moment the full light of the truth was kindled in me, and I grew into what I am now. If all this horror does not necessarily exist around me, then it certainly does not exist within me.
Detailed summary
Section titles are editorial.
Medical examination and childhood fits of madness
The morning began with a medical examination in the government council room. The doctors had divided opinions but ultimately concluded that the narrator was not mad, though they found him subject to fits of excitement. They prescribed treatment, assuring him his troubles would completely disappear. The narrator had been afraid of being sent to a lunatic asylum, which would prevent him from continuing his mad undertaking. He decided to tell how he came to undergo the examination and how his madness was revealed.
Up to age thirty-five, he had lived like everyone else without anyone noticing peculiarities in him. Only in early childhood, before age ten, had he occasionally experienced mental states similar to his present condition. He remembered being five or six years old when his nurse was putting him to bed. As she lifted him, he said he would get into bed himself, stepping over the bedside net.
Once in bed, he felt warm and happy, thinking about love - how he loved his nurse, she loved him and his brother, and everyone loved everyone. Suddenly the housekeeper rushed in shouting angrily about a missing sugar basin.
Adult spiritual crisis: from Arzamas to religious awakening
I love nurse, nurse loves me and Mitinka... And nurse loves Taras... everybody loves everybody, and everybody is happy. Suddenly the housekeeper rushed in and began to shout
A cold horror came over him, and he hid under the blanket, thinking of a boy who had been beaten by cruel-faced Foka. This was when his madness first came over him. He burst into sobs that couldn't be quieted for a long while.
The tears and despair of that day were the first signs of my present trouble... That was when my madness came over me for the first time.
The second time madness seized him was when his aunt told stories about Jesus Christ. When the children asked why they tortured Him, she explained they were wicked. But when pressed about whether it hurt Him, she tried to leave for tea. Again his madness took possession - he sobbed and knocked his head against the wall. After age fourteen, when sexual instincts awoke and he gave way to vice, his madness seemed to pass. He lived normally for twenty years - through school, university, law studies, state service, marriage, and settling in the country as a Justice of the Peace.
After ten years of marriage, the attacks returned. He and his wife had saved money from her inheritance and government bonds to buy another estate. He went to inspect property in Pensa Government, hoping to find a fool who didn't understand business. The journey was pleasant with his manservant, but during the night drive, he suddenly awoke seized with fear, questioning why he was traveling so far from home.
They stopped at Arzamas for rest. In the small square room with red curtains and birchwood table, the horror returned. He felt unbearable weariness with himself, unable to sleep or forget. Going to the passage where Sergius slept, the feeling followed him.
You are afraid of me—I heard the voice of Death—I am here. I shuddered. Yes—Death! Death will come, it will come and it ought not to come.
My entire being was conscious of the necessity of the right to live, and at the same time of the inevitability of dying. This inner conflict was causing me unbearable pain.
He tried to pray for the first time in twenty years, composing new prayers and crossing himself. The next morning they continued their journey. At the estate, he met the friendly old manager but felt no interest in the purchase. That night he slept without misery after saying prayers again. Returning home, he resumed ordinary life but with continual apprehension that the horror would return. He took to saying prayers and going to church, which vexed his wife.
A trip to Moscow brought another attack. At the Moscow Court hotel, the same horror returned in his small room. He attended the opera Faust with a fellow landowner, but the night was worse than Arzamas. He prayed desperately but received no answer.
If Thou exist, reveal Thy existence to me. To what end am I created? What am I? I became quiet, waiting for an answer. But no answer came, as if there were nothing to answer.
Something new had come into my soul, and had poisoned the life I had lived up to that hour... it remained at the bottom of my soul, and I was entirely dominated by it.
He finished his business quickly to avoid another hotel night. His health deteriorated, and his wife urged him to see a doctor. He continued his routines - church, fasting, prayer, reading, and hunting. During a wolf hunt, he became lost in the forest. Exhausted and frightened, he felt the same horror but this time began to pray, feeling disgusted with himself rather than reproaching God. He found his way out and experienced joy, spending time alone reading Scripture and saints' lives.
Final transformation and embrace of faith
He grew less interested in estate management and family matters, finding them repulsive. When inspecting another estate for purchase, he met an old woman who told him about her poverty. Returning home, he felt ashamed and refused to buy the estate, realizing its profits were based on peasant suffering.