The Orator (Chekhov)
Short summary
Russia, late 19th century. When collegiate assessor Kirill Ivanovitch Babilonov died, his colleague Poplavsky rushed to find Grigory Petrovitch Zapoikin to deliver a funeral speech. Poplavsky explained that a proper farewell was needed for such an important office figure.
Zapoikin agreed and joined the funeral procession. Along the way, they stopped at taverns three times. At the cemetery, Zapoikin delivered an eloquent speech praising the deceased's honesty, selflessness, and dedication to work. However, he mistakenly called him Prokofy Osipitch instead of Kirill Ivanovitch and described him as a clean-shaven bachelor when the deceased had a red beard and a wife.
The mourners were confused by these discrepancies. Suddenly, Zapoikin noticed a man standing by a tombstone and realized his mistake.
"I say! he's alive," he said, staring with horror. "Who's alive?" "Why, Prokofy Osipitch, there he stands, by that tombstone!" "He never died! It's Kirill Ivanovitch who's dead."
Despite the awkward situation, Zapoikin continued his speech. Later, his colleagues teased him about "burying a man alive." Prokofy Osipitch, the clean-shaven clerk who was very much alive, confronted Zapoikin, complaining that the speech was insulting and sarcastic when applied to a living person, especially the comments about his plain, hideous face.
Detailed summary
Division into chapters is editorial.
The talented orator Zapoikin and his unexpected invitation
Kirill Ivanovitch Babilonov, a collegiate assessor who had died from the combined effects of a bad wife and alcoholism, was being buried. As the funeral procession moved from the church to the cemetery, one of the deceased's colleagues named Poplavsky took a cab to find Grigory Petrovitch Zapoikin, a man known for his talent in delivering impromptu speeches at various occasions.
He can speak whenever he likes: in his sleep, on an empty stomach, dead drunk or in a high fever. His words flow smoothly and evenly, like water out of a pipe, and in abundance.
Poplavsky found Zapoikin at home and urgently requested his services, explaining that one of their colleagues had died and needed a proper farewell speech. He emphasized that since the deceased was a secretary and an important figure in the office, it would be awkward for him to be buried without an appropriate eulogy.
Preparing for the eulogy and joining the funeral procession
Zapoikin readily agreed to deliver the speech. He ruffled his hair to create a disheveled appearance and put on a melancholy expression before heading out with Poplavsky. In the cab, Zapoikin mentioned that he knew the secretary, describing him as a cunning rogue and a beast. Poplavsky admonished him not to speak ill of the dead, but Zapoikin replied with a Latin phrase before reaffirming that the deceased was indeed a rascal.
The coffin was borne along slowly so that before they reached the cemetery they were able three times to drop into a tavern and imbibe a little to the health of the departed.
At the cemetery, the service by the graveside took place. The mother-in-law, wife, and sister-in-law of the deceased shed tears as custom dictated. When the coffin was being lowered into the grave, the wife cried out that she wanted to go with her husband, though she did not actually follow him, likely remembering her pension. Once everything quieted down, Zapoikin stepped forward to deliver his eulogy.
The eloquent but incorrect eulogy
Zapoikin began his speech with dramatic flair, expressing disbelief at the scene before him and lamenting the loss of someone who had been so recently full of courage and youthful vigor. He described the deceased as a dedicated civil servant who tirelessly contributed to the welfare of the state despite his advanced age. Zapoikin praised the man's honesty and incorruptibility, claiming he despised those who attempted to bribe him and even shared his small salary with poorer colleagues.
"To the depths of his soul he was devoted to his honest duty; he did not spare his strength but worked late at night, and was disinterested, impervious to bribes... How he despised those who... sought to corrupt him"
The orator continued, stating that the deceased had renounced the joys of life and even the happiness of domestic existence, remaining a bachelor until the end of his days. Zapoikin concluded by recalling the man's kindly, shaven face with its gentle smile and his soft, friendly voice, bidding farewell to the "honest, noble toiler" named Prokofy Osipitch.
Discovering the mistake: the wrong man was eulogized
The speech pleased the mourners and drew some tears, but many aspects of it confused the listeners. They couldn't understand why Zapoikin called the deceased Prokofy Osipitch when his name was Kirill Ivanovitch. Furthermore, everyone knew that the deceased had spent his entire life quarreling with his lawful wife, so he could not have been a bachelor. Additionally, the deceased had a thick red beard and had never been known to shave, making the reference to his shaven face perplexing.
His speech pleased everyone and drew some tears, but a good many things in it seemed strange. In the first place they could not make out why the orator called the deceased Prokofy Osipitch when his name was Kirill Ivanovitch.
As Zapoikin continued speaking about the deceased's plain, even hideous face and how beneath that outer appearance beat an honest, friendly heart, he himself began to act strangely. He stared at one point, shifted uncomfortably, and suddenly stopped speaking. With a look of horror, he turned to Poplavsky and exclaimed that Prokofy Osipitch was alive and standing by a tombstone nearby.
Poplavsky explained that Kirill Ivanovitch was their current secretary who had died, while Prokofy Osipitch had been their secretary previously but was transferred to the second division as head clerk two years ago. Confused but urged to continue, Zapoikin turned back to the grave and resumed his speech. Meanwhile, Prokofy Osipitch, an old clerk with a clean-shaven face, stood by a tombstone watching the orator with an angry frown.
Aftermath: embarrassment and Prokofy Osipitchs indignation
After the funeral, as they returned with Zapoikin, the clerks laughed at his mistake, joking that he had "buried a man alive." Prokofy Osipitch was deeply offended by the incident and confronted Zapoikin about it.
"Your speech may be all right for a dead man, but in reference to a living one it is nothing but sarcasm! Upon my soul what have you been saying? Disinterested, incorruptible, won't take bribes!"
He complained that such qualities could only be mentioned sarcastically when speaking of the living. Furthermore, he was insulted by Zapoikin's public comments about his appearance, declaring that while his face might indeed be plain and hideous, there was no need to exhibit his countenance in such a public manner. Prokofy Osipitch considered the entire speech insulting rather than complimentary.