X-ing a Paragrab (Poe)
Short Summary
In the fictional Western city Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, presumably early 19th century, Touch-and-go Bullet-head founded 'The Tea-Pot' newspaper, mistakenly believing himself free from competition. On discovering 'The Gazette', a rival run by editor John Smith directly opposite his office, he immediately entered a bitter rivalry.
Smith mocked Bullet-head's excessive use of the letter 'O', prompting the enraged editor to defiantly craft an article overloaded with words containing that very vowel. On receiving Bullet-head's manuscript late at night, the hurried printer's assistant discovered all 'O's had been secretly removed from their printing cases — presumably by Smith's employee. Desperate, he replaced the missing letters with 'X.'
Unable to discover its legitimate object, the popular fury at length subsided; leaving behind it, by way of sediment, quite a medley of opinion about this unhappy affair... X, everybody knew, was an unknown quantity; but in this case, there was an unknown quantity of X.
The readers found the resulting nonsensical article inexplicable, creating great uproar. Angry crowds sought Bullet-head, intending punishment, yet he mysteriously vanished. The townspeople eventually calmed, leaving the affair unexplained, filled with puzzlement, rumors, and jokes about the strange abundance of X's in the article.
Detailed Summary
Division into chapters is editorial.
Introduction to Mr. Bullet-head and His Arrival in Nopolis
Mr. Touch-and-go Bullet-head, a man from the East, arrived in a western city called Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis, or Nopolis for short. Being from the East, he was considered a wise man, and his profession as an editor further confirmed his wisdom. His only weakness was his irascibility, though he considered his obstinacy not a weakness but his strong point and virtue.
As it is well known that the 'wise men' came 'from the East,' and as Mr. Touch-and-go Bullet-head came from the East, it follows that Mr. Bullet-head was a wise man; and if collateral proof of the matter be needed, here we have it — Mr. B. was an editor.
The Tea-Pot Newspaper and First Confrontation with The Gazette
Bullet-head moved to Nopolis under the impression that there was no newspaper or editor in the town. He established his own newspaper called "The Tea-Pot" and was unpleasantly surprised to discover that there was already an established publication, "The Alexander-the-Great-o-nopolis Gazette," edited by John Smith. Nevertheless, Bullet-head decided to stay and set up his office directly across from The Gazette.
In the first issue of The Tea-Pot, Bullet-head published a scathing article attacking things in general and the editor of The Gazette in particular. The article was filled with exclamations beginning with "Oh" and classical references. Smith responded the next day with a clever retort, pointing out that Bullet-head's writing was full of the letter "O" and suggesting that perhaps he couldn't write a word without it. This insinuation about his writing style, rather than the attack on his character, infuriated Bullet-head.
Bullet-head's Challenge to Write Without the Letter O
Enraged by Smith's mockery, Bullet-head resolved to prove that he could write without using the letter "O." Rather than quietly adjusting his style, he defiantly announced in the next issue of The Tea-Pot that he would compose a special article demonstrating his contempt for Smith's criticism. He declared that he would write an extensive piece in which the vowel "O" would not be avoided, showing his disdain for Smith's "hyper-exquisite delicacy."
He, Bullet-head, would make NO alteration in his style, to suit the caprices of any Mr. Smith in Christendom. Perish so vile a thought! The O forever! He would persist in the O. He would be as O-wy as O-wy could be.
True to his word, Bullet-head stayed up all night writing a paragraph filled with words containing the letter "O." The result was a bizarre, rambling piece addressed to John Smith, telling him to go back to "the woods of Concord" and filled with insults and O-heavy words. Exhausted but satisfied with his effort, Bullet-head handed his manuscript to the printer's devil and went home to bed.
The Printer's Solution and the X-ed Paragraph
When the printer's devil, a twelve-year-old boy named Bob, began to set the type for Bullet-head's article, he discovered a serious problem: there were no letter "o"s in the type case, neither capital nor lowercase. He reported this to the foreman, who suggested that one of The Gazette's devils had probably stolen all the "o"s. The foreman instructed Bob to retaliate by stealing The Gazette's "i"s and "z"s when he got the chance.
Faced with the deadline, the foreman told Bob to substitute another letter for "o" since no one would read "the fellow's trash anyway." Following printing tradition, Bob chose the letter "x" as the substitute, considering it heretical to use any other character in such a situation.
'I shell have to x this ere paragrab,' said he to himself, as he read it over in astonishment, 'but it's jest about the awfulest o-wy paragrab I ever did see:' so x it he did, unflinchingly, and to press it went x-ed.
Public Reaction and the Disappearance of Bullet-head
The next morning, the citizens of Nopolis were astonished to find Bullet-head's article in The Tea-Pot with every "o" replaced by an "x." The result was an incomprehensible jumble of text that appeared to be some kind of code or cipher. The public was initially convinced that the strange text contained some "diabolical treason" and formed an angry mob that rushed to Bullet-head's residence to confront him.
That Bullet-head had been driven to an X-tremity, was clear to all; and in fact, since that editor could not be found, there was some talk about lynching the other one. The more common conclusion, however, was that the affair was, simply, X-traordinary and in-X-plicable.
However, Bullet-head had vanished without a trace. Unable to find him, the townspeople's anger eventually subsided, leaving behind a variety of opinions about the incident. Some thought it was an excellent joke, others believed Bullet-head had shown exuberance of fancy or was merely eccentric. The town mathematician confessed that he could make nothing of the problem, noting that X was an unknown quantity, but in this case, there was an unknown quantity of X.
Bob, the printer's devil, had his own theory about the matter, though it didn't receive much attention. He believed that Bullet-head's excessive consumption of XXX ale had made him cross (X) in the extreme, leading to the strange incident. The true fate of Bullet-head remained a mystery, as not even his ghost was ever seen again.